The silent plea from our teens...

I have concerns. Big concerns. Our teens need us, they are silently screaming out for help. We MUST get plugged in and listen to them, really hear them and make all the necessary changes to support them and at times, it can literally save a life.

Let me be clear, VERY CLEAR. I am NOT a psychologist, psychotherapist, therapist, counsellor or similar in ANY shape or form. These opinions and views that are expressed are Sparrow Home Schools. I do not pretend or claim to know everything about home schooling, education, parenting nor any other subject. I can only express my own thoughts, feelings and opinions based on my own background and experience as well as being based on the many conversations I've had with others and on my own personal reading choices. Information contained in this website do not take into consideration your own personal circumstances and so you should do your own research and seek guidance to ensure suitability for your own needs to satisfy yourself and those personal circumstances.

Lifeline Australia - Crisis Support and Suicide Prevention - 13 11 14

Beyond Blue - Depression & Anxiety - 1300 22 4636

I was at a shopping centre this weekend and found myself having a wander about (I am not a wander about the shopping centre kinda girl - I like to get in, get what I need and get out). It soon became very clear why I was there that day. I was drawn to a particular shop and the sales woman struck up a conversation with me. For some reason I mentioned I home school, next minute I'm hugging this crying woman as she shared her and her teens story. I indeed felt very honoured to hold space for this amazing, plugged in woman. She is very aware of her teen and the struggles faced by her (and many teens), like the peer pressure they face at school regarding academics and fitting in. They struggle with internal feelings like am I good enough, good looking enough, smart enough, am I enough, enough, enough. They need help with realising they are enough, they are worthy, they are important, they are needed, valued and treasured - just as they are. This is not the first time I've had such a conversation with a stranger as well as with friends.

The teenage years (and it seems the tween years as well now, it appears to be affecting our young people at a younger and younger age), is a struggle. You might remember your own teen years or you might not, at any rate we all need to brush up on our skills and get back into a space of empathy and understanding.

I think schools and the systems they are bound to work within have a lot to answer for. Testing, testing and more testing. Life is not like that in the real world. I know some pretty intelligent kids that don't do well with tests and have their intelligence based on those results. It's not real. However the massive pressure on teens to do well in those tests and the results really can affect a teens emotional well-being and contribute to their feelings of not good enough. We learn what we need to know often when we need to learn it and it's often driven by passion and interest (which is what most of us do when we get the end of our formal education years anyway). The entire system needs a massive shake up. You can read more on my thoughts on this here - https://sparrowhomeschool.wixsite.com/sparrowhomeschool/single-post/2018/02/01/What-do-you-really-need-to-know

We're not just dealing with learning and education here. We are dealing with puberty and all the challenges for teens and parents alike that come with that. It's about how teens view themselves and finding their place in the world, dealing with peer pressure, what do they want to do with their lives, being torn between being a kid and being a young adult, learning to be a self-assured, self-confident, celebrated individual who is seen, really seen, for who they are.

Teens want to fit in at school and with their friends, often many will do anything they perceive will help with meeting that goal even if it's not a great thing to be doing, dealing with their education, the pressure to do well, what do they want to do with their lives, how can they get there, what will happen if they don't, teens want to be accepted by their family, they want to do great in all their chosen activities, they want to get their first part-time job and be accepted and do well there too. Some teens are forced to grow up quicker than they should because they feel they need to due to experiences, home life changes, pressure (real or otherwise), so much pressure they take on and feel despite some of those pressures not being there for them, they still pick up on them and take them on as their own.

The teen years can be very confusing. Teens want to be accepted and valued, as human beings just as they are, we all do. We want our teens to have good mental health so that they can build a strong, healthy relationship with THEMSELVES as well as others. This gives them a strong foundation to be able to handle life's challenges and changes.

The teen years and the time leading up to that has them dealing with their hormones, genes, the enviroment they live in (home, school, friends, life) as well as the many major changes they are experiencing and it's all happening at a speed Flash himself would find dizzying.

So what can WE do?

Firstly, get plugged in, be present, really present. Academics and the like will always happen at some point. The emotional well-being of our children trumps EVERYTHING. What else can we do...

• Seek help when it's needed. NEVER be too afraid to seek help.

• Don't assume everything is OK. We might see something from an adult perspective and may forget that some things from a less experienced perspective can seem huge, too big to overcome. It's their perception, their feelings. Don't under-estimate them, don't brush them aside. Be there and help them through it without lecture or dismissive comments. Teens need you to pay attention and see what is happening, they can't necessarily communicate their struggles with you or kick off the discussion.

• Actions speak louder than words. Ensure your teen knows you are there for them in all ways. Never stop telling them you love them but show them in ways that work for them. Show up to the game. Encourage them and praise them no matter the final score. Effort trumps outcome. Listen to them every time they explain all the exciting things they are going to do when they build their first computer (even if you don't understand anything they are saying - better yet, learn a few things about their fave subject so that you can ask questions. Trust me, you'll never see a face light up so fast and it assures them you see them and what means something to them - priceless).

• Further to the point above, a great read I've found is "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers" by Gary Chapman. Learn how THEY need their cup filled and do it that way (there's a little quiz at the back of the book to help you). I personally think this is a great, valuable read.

• Help them build their confidence and self-esteem. Be specific when praising them, it shows them you've been paying attention and boosts them so much farther when they hear things in specific terms rather than in general terms.

• Always listen (without judgement or trying to fix everything) about the little things to help build a relationship of trust so that they will come to you about the big things.

• Encourage them to try new things and celebrate their successes no matter how small.

• Help them to be physically active and eat well. Don't nag and lecture this, it will backfire. Leading by example really does contribute in a real and healthy way.

• Spend one-on-one time with them. I always make time to have one-on-one dates with each of my boys doing something that interests them. The communication and bonding that comes out of this I'll always treasure. What they have started doing here and there, by their own choice is to take me on 'dates' like a movie they know I'll like - they plan it by themselves and ask me if I'd like to go. They are learning what it means to gift someone your time. Oh how I adore my sons.

• Make sure your teen has people they know they can trust around them. Whether it be a another family member, one of their friends, a friends parent etc. Sometimes they feel like they can't talk to you but as long as they have someone they can trust they can share their feelings with in a safe space, then that only adds to their building of self-esteem and emotional well-being. Help them learn to talk, to communicate and to share their struggles.

If your teen is struggling or you are not sure of the signs, then educate yourself to know what to look for. Research from reputable sites on the internet, get books from the library, talk to professionals, your friends, your family. There is a lot of great information out there. There are places to call who specialise in depression, anxiety, suicide etc too if you need those.

Lifeline Australia - Crisis Support and Suicide Prevention - 13 11 14

Beyond Blue - Depression & Anxiety - 1300 22 4636

Teens are amazing. All our children are. They are not human beings in training, they are already complete. All the wonder of who they are is inside of them. Empower them by teaching them that VS externalising it to sources outside of themselves. All the love and light they need can be found within themselves right now. Every moment of every day is helping to shape who they are, how they feel about themselves and the world around them. If you yourself are struggling, get the help and healing you need because when your own cup is full to over-flowing, then you have much to give to others.

Single Parents: If you are parenting on your own, yes it can be harder so make sure you have a great support network yourself and take all-important regular time for yourself as well, never be too proud to ask for and accept help and remember, kids who have at least one fully present, plugged-in, aware and loving parent, do find their wings and soar and lead amazing lives.

Living with teens is not always easy but it's also beyond rewarding. You learn so much from them, your children will be your greatest teachers. Honour them, be grateful for them, let them be who they are and celebrate that. They will always learn what they need to when they need it and helping them build that foundation means they have a solid base to leverage from to take on the worlds changes and challenges. You've got this!

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